Meet the Gaijins

I already did a post addressing the subject of "Outsiders" or Gaijin, but I'd really like to dive into that topic a little more from a different angle. Today's post is about actually meeting these "aliens."

Now amongst my friends, I call it "bumping into some foreigners." There are dozens of different kinds of foreigners who visit/live in Japan, but 80% of the time, you're going to run into a Caucasian American person or an East Indian person. When I "bump into" a Black person (from any part of the world), the result is always hilarious (but that's for a different post.) Either way, when Gaijin meet other Gaijin, it's usually a strange experience. I don't really know how to explain it except to say that there's a lot of "self-reinvention" going on overseas and the easiest way to blow someone's cover (or blow your own) is to run into someone who speaks your language.

. . . and the awkwardness ensues.

To make this easy for you, I'l categorize the people I've met thus far.

THE MODERN DAY MAGELLAN

There are people who exist that still believe there are civilizations yet to be discovered. And for the record . . . there aren't. These people have passports tattooed with an abundance of Visa stamps (that they will gladly pull out and show you).

"Yes, the sushi in Japan is great," they'll tell you, "but you haven't lived until you've been to (insert random country) and tried the (insert exotic dish)!"

I call these people "Modern Day Magellans," because in their minds, every human being (whether they know it or not) is in a competition to travel to every country in the world. Out of all of the foreigners I've met in Japan, this group is the most abundant. And you can recognize them within the first or second sentence. The 1st MDM I met described herself as an army brat (code word for MDM) and when I asked her what she thought about Japan, she tossed her hair back and said, "Well, I've been all over the world, so this is nothing to me."

Now let me interrupt this flow of consciousness to say that I am an MDM's worst nightmare. Not only have I been absolutely nowhere in the world (unless you count 2 trips to Disney World) but I am conversationally slow and don't offer the proper follow-up questions you're supposed to ask an MDM like, "Oh really! That's amazing! Where have you been? Would you please tell me all about your adventures?" No, I just smile and say, "That's nice!" And this is not to say that I wouldn't be interested in hearing about an MDM's journey. I'm not a hater afterall and my very presence in Japan speaks to the idea that travel is something that interests me. It's just that I'm not a big fan of (what I like to call) conversation date-rape. Conversation date-rape is when a person takes advantage of a casual conversation by attempting to force their favorite topic in without picking up on the social cues. No means no! Just because I asked you how you liked Japan, doesn't mean I want to be subjected to your trip to Indonesia, France and Australia. I like to let a conversation progress naturally so that I don't feel used . . . you know, in the ear-hole.

Either way, MDM's can be pretty good people once you get past the endless conversation slide-shows. If you run into a particularly generous MDM, they'll actually let you get a word in edgewise (which is nice). They're also a wealth of knowledge. Most of the MDM's that I've met have amazing information retention abilities. They'll hold onto any bit of information they receive so that they can regurgitate it at the most convenient times (which can be annoying, but REALLY helpful). So when you need to know the name of some exotic food or where you can find the best souveniers an MDM is an excellent resource to utilize, BUT I would never EVER suggest anyone spend too much time with an MDM if they decide to live overseas. Why? They will stunt your ability to adapt. MDM's can be a bit over-aggressive. If you're at a restaurant, they will order for you. If you want to go somewhere, they will take the map from out of your hands and lead the way. If you plan on depending on them for everything, this is good, but this can be terribly bad for 2 reasons . . .

#1 - These people are often wrong. MDMs can be a cocky bunch and because they have something to prove, they'll sometimes make decisions with haste and little consensus from anyone else. This can consume a lot of time while traveling.

#2 - Who goes overseas to depend on someone else completely?

One thing I've found out by living in Japan is that empowering yourself is the best thing you can ever do. So if you're ever in another country and run into an MDM, mark my words. Listen to their story, find out where you can get the best (whatever) and then run away as fast as humanly possible.

THE RUNAWAY

Now this group can be summed up pretty quickly. The Runaways are usually (not always) recent college graduates who don't know what to do with their lives yet. They use their time overseas to work some strange job or other (ie. teaching English), kill some time while padding the resume and then return to their country with an adventure under their belt and some clarity about what they want to do with their lives. Most runaways are scared out of their minds. They feel the pressure of expectations of becoming "an adult" and don't want to face the reality of being a 20-something with nothing to show for their 4 years of college except the ability to hold their liquor. In the end, most of these "runaways" decide to just go to grad school (thus easing out of the college experience as opposed to jumping out with both feet.)

THE SQUARE PEG

It's been said, "No matter where you go, there you are." I never really understood this saying until I met what I like to call the "Square Peg" (also known as "Losers Back Home" by some of the more brutal Gaijin out here).

Square Pegs are people who don't quite fit in in America. These people often travel the world looking for their "square hole" and many times, they actually find it. But unfortunately some Square Pegs find that the world is . . . well, round.

Anywho, some Square Pegs are subtle while others couldn't be more conspicuous if they tried. The tell-tale sign that you have encountered a "Square Peg" is the way you feel after you part ways. If you're confused, annoyed or creeped-out odds are, you have just come in contact with an SP.

These people are eccentric at best and absolutely nuts at worst. In the middle is a variety of desperation, control issues, insecurity, awkwardness (beyond the normal variety), defensiveness, sarcasm, fear and anger.

I met a "subtle" SP a couple months ago (back when I was brave enough to still talk to "gaijin").

I was sitting in a sushi shop on a Monday night, reading a book and enjoying a late meal alone.

(Sidenote: Mom, I suggest you stop reading now.)

(Suit yourself then! You've been warned)

So a strange looking man stood outside of the window staring at me with bulged eyes. He was obviously not Japanese (actually, I think he was Hispanic or partially Black), so I assumed that my being stared at was the result of the shock Gaijins have when they see a woman of color (in my neighborhood especially). I'm not going to lie, I've done it to other people of color myself.

So this guy walks into the shop with his eyes glued to me, as if he was literally in a trance. He grabs a stool next to me and without blinking or taking his eyes off of me, he sits down.

Him: Hello!

Me: Um . . . hi!

Him: I'm sorry if I'm freaking you out, it's just that you're the first foreigner I've seen in this town since I got here a few weeks ago.

Me: (Laughs) That doesn't surprise me.

Him: Yeah, I'm sorry.

Me: It's no problem.

Him: (Eyes still bulging out of his head) I'm not freaking you out, am I?

Me: Um, well . . . your eyes . . . uh, not blinking. That's a little . . . um . . . scary.

Him: Sorry. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. (Still doesn't blink or take his eyes off of me.)

So we talk a little and he tells me that he's from the Mid-West. The guy (I forget his name) was an engineer for some kind of company that makes a certain machine. He traveled the world fixing glitches in those machines and also helps to update the equipment. Throughout the conversation he kept asking me if he was "freaking me out." I kept reassuring him that he wasn't and this is what kept "the crazy" inside of him contained. Until, that is, I slipped up. That's when . . . well, I'll show you how it happened.

Him: Am I freaking you out? I'm sorry, I didn't really get a lot of sleep so . . .

Me: No, I'm cool really. Actually, just a couple of weeks ago I met some strange foreigners and had an experience that freaked me out a little.

Him: Really? Tell me about it.

Me: Well, um, I don't know. The people were just really strange.

Him: Strange how?

Me: I don't know. (pause) You ever think that maybe some of the foreigners here are . . . (long pause)

Him: (practically falling out of his seat) Are what?

Me: I don't know . . . running away from something?

*Snap!* (That's the sound of his crazy breaking free from it's cage.)

Him: Running away from something?!?! Why does it have to be running away from something. Maybe they had to get out. (Getting louder) Maybe they needed to escape. There's nothing in Detroit. NOTHING!!!

At that moment, the sushi guy hands me the check and says the place is closing. I said a quick "goodbye" to my crazy friend and peddled home as fast as I could. All night, I was "freaked out" remembering his bulging eyes and wondering if he ever really existed at all.

That was one of my more extreme stories. But for the most part, you'll run into the Square Pegs of the milder variety. For example, here's a quick snippet from my one of my favorite SP experiences. I met a guy who looked like Cee-Lo while on my way to my apartment one night. It was really random, especially in my neck of the woods. We both stop.

Him: So am I the first Black person you've run into here in Japan?

Me: Uh, no.

Him: Oh

(awkward pause)

Him: What company do you work for?

Me: I work for --blankity blank-- How about you?

Him: Well, I used to work for --blah blah blah-- before they got shut down. Have you heard of them?

Me: No

Him: How long have you been here?

Me: About 3 months.

Him: Yeah, I can tell. Well, anyway . . .

(After that, I stopped listening. My mind checked back in when he said . . . )

Him: So let's exchange information.

Me: Well, I don't know my phone number yet and I don't have my phone on me. (That's my default reply)

Him: No, I mean facebook info.

Me: (immediately) Okay, what's your name? (So I don't have to give him mine)

Him: Do you know the famous scientist?

Me: Uh, no.

*crickets*

Me: (continuing) Could you tell me his name?

Him: Blah, blah, blah

Me: Okay, see you around.

So that's it for the SP's. Neurotic, insecure, awkward, condescending, etc. Collect'em all.

THE "ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME" SEEKERS

I think you can tell where I'm going with this category. Unfortunately, for Asian women, there are some men who have watched the movie "Full Metal Jacket" and only remember one scene. These men are known on the West Coast as "Todds" or "Brads." On the East Coast, they're known as "Jerks" or "Douchebags." Regardless, these men have bought plane tickets and flown to Japan with hopes of finding easy Japanese women.

You can recognize these men because there is always something "slightly off" about them. Maybe their "man-bangs" are dyed some odd color, maybe they are wearing sunglasses (at night), or maybe their skinny jeans are a bit too skinny. Either way, these guys are fun to watch. They usually roll out in small groups of like-minded individuals, and you will almost NEVER see them with a foreign female. If anything, they tend to run in the opposite direction of any female who is not Asian which is good for the rest of us, but kind of bad for the Japanese ladies. But then again, some of these Japanese ladies out here have their own motives, so I guess it all works out in the end.

THE EAT, PRAY, LOVERS

I guess I would fall into this category. This is the group of people who are well past the fear of "what am I going to do with my life" and are just trying to hit the "refresh" button on the life they've already started. Sometimes, EPL'ers leave in order to get some clarity on their present situation or just to see the world because . . . well, why not? There's not a lot of these folks out here in Japan. Actually, I think I can count on three fingers how many EPL'ers I've met. There's really not much to an EPL'ers motives and this is what confuses people the most.

"But why are you here?" I've been asked in frustration. You can guess the questions that are running through these people's minds. If you're not looking for a mate, you don't have something to prove, you're not a recent college grad, you're not a misfit in your own country . . . why Japan? We EPL'ers don't really have an answer for that, so we just do this . . .

So those are the different categories of Gaijin. Of course, there are a bunch of exceptions that don't fall into those categories. For example, those who are working real jobs over here (like engineers or corporate people) or people who have gotten married to a Japanese spouse. There are also the people who have a strong (and genuine) fascination with the Japanese culture. My favorite are the middle-aged, middle America mom and pop type who pull out their cameras and take pictures of everything. I find it endearing and a little embarrassing at the same time.

For the most part, though, the people you meet in Japan will fall into the aforementioned categories. So have fun looking for them if you ever visit another country. And don't say I didn't warn you!